Cultivating better relationships: Getting free from negativity with other people

In my life I have chosen yoga to be the way of life I want to live…the path I want to follow. I like what yoga intends to teach us. I like that there is no religious agenda. In short it is how to simply be human; to yourself, to others, and to the universe. It is accepting things as they are with no judgment or preconceived notions. When I stumble on something I try to think about how my yoga can help me to work through it in the kindest way. In the last month or so I have started this inward journey through yoga to get to my truth. What I have seen has really gotten to me. The reality of things that I have come to see is really hard…I see how very selfish people are, how much we all really judge others, how lazy so many people are, and just how oblivious people really are to life and what is going on in their own life. My inward journey was started in order to heal, but my mood is far from healed. I feel worse. I feel very sad. BUT I know that this will change. With hard work I will work through this. It is hard to get to a point where you have found something so special and want to share it with others, but just to find that they aren’t willing to find it themselves. I have found life and have realized that there are a lot of things that we humans put emphasis on things in life that really mean nothing. It is not material things, money, drugs, alcohol-in any quantity that brings quality of life. It is what we make of what we have within ourselves and others that brings quality. If you want a better relationship with someone, then change yourself; show them what it is that you want. If they don’t change, then maybe they are fighting within themselves. Know that you can’t change them, but you can work on yourself and how you handle it. It is called support, love, caring, compassion, etc. Sometimes you have to separate yourself if it is bad enough. That’s life. I personally have become very emotionally affected by negative people recently. I see in my own life and watching others how bad negativity hurts us and I want it out of my life. So, I am studying and turning inward to find how I can be less negative-it’s the only way I know how. I have found a website (http://swamij.com/index-yoga-meditation-yoga-sutras.htm ) explaining the yoga sutras. I enjoy the insight. I want to cultivate better relationships. This is what it says about getting free from negativity with other people: “In sutra 2.33-2.34, the question is posed as to what to do when one does not act or think in accordance with yogic values such as non-violence, but rather, has negative emotions. What is one to do with such strong negative thought patterns? The suggestion is made in those sutras, that we cultivate an opposite attitude by reminding ourselves (through internal dialogue) that holding onto this negative attitude is going to do nothing but bring unending pain and misery.” It says that we may have the follow feelings towards people we feel as being bad: “Anger/aversion: Most of us have some limits of what we find as acceptable behavior. We might sincerely hold the belief that all people are pure at their deepest level. Yet, are there not some individuals you think to be dishonest, cruel, mean, or even wicked, or evil? Are there not some behaviors that you consider so outside of acceptable conduct that it strongly causes you to feel anger and frustration? Even if you really feel strongly about some other person in this way, is it not also true that you, yourself, carry the burden of this? How to be free from that is the question.” That being said it tells us it is better to cultivate: “Neutrality/acceptance: To counterbalance the negative feelings toward someone you feel is bad, wicked, or lacking in virtue, the antidote is to cultivate an attitude of neutrality, indifference, acceptance, or equanimity. It can be difficult to cultivate this attitude, since it might make us think we are approving of their bad behavior. We seek the neutrality of inner balance and equanimity, which does not mean approving of the person's actions. In fact, cultivating attitudes of neutrality might go a long way in being able to cause change. It surely helps to stabilize and clear the mind for meditation.”  This could not be more dead on for me. While writing this I came back to the thought of a “Beginner’s Mind” from my last post. That, too, could help cultivate neutrality-when dealing with these negative people and behaviors’ get rid of what you think you know about how they are or will be, you know those preconceptions, and be open to the goodness that they can be. Treat the interaction as if it is the first time you are meeting them; be kind, compassionate, and accept what happens without expecting what you think may happen. Maybe with a “Beginner’s Mind” I can see something I didn’t see before.  

Beginner's Mind

Yesterday I had plans to attend a yoga class with my favorite instructor. I was looking forward to it, but I was also spending time with something else that I also loved. I felt torn between the two and wanted a way to have some time with both. It was pointed out to me that I "needed" to go to my yoga class. This I knew, but something about being told this from someone else, and given the current circumstances, I was left feeling hurt, embarrassed, and rejected. I pouted and left feeling sorry for myself. It's funny how we do this. Clearly the intent was good, but since I didn't like it-for some reason I still don't know-I selfishly acted like a soiled brat. I actually went and laid in bed pouting like a child. This is not what yoga teaches me and I came to see that. I was like, "you know what? I am not going to let this mood and this situation stop me from going to my yoga class!" So, I pulled my egotistical, pouty, spoiled self out of bed and to yoga. I was actively trying to get out of that frame of mind and into something better. This is a hard task, but anyone can do it so long as you are really honest with yourself, recognize what you are doing, and apply yourself. So, I got to yoga to find that my favorite instructor had a substitute for the day. "Dammit!" was my ego's first reaction, but again this is not how I want to think or be, so I actively again tried to get out of that frame of mind. Much to my dismay, I thoroughly enjoyed the class and the instructor. With opening my mind I got something out of her class that I may not have gotten from J's class or any other class for that matter. And that is my point my friends, we should always go through life with an open mind to all things; new and old. I was recently reminded of a Zen Buddhism concept of a "beginner's mind".  It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions. Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki writes in his book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few." I automatically had a preconceived idea that I would not like the class because J wasn’t the one leading it. I have been in this place before with other instructors. This is a quality of mine that I do not like and have been working on it for some time. I have actually improved, but it is was so bad that at times you cannot see the improvement.  I know that I would not want others to have a preconceived notion of me if they come to a class and see me instructing instead who they originally thought would be. This is because I know that I can bring something to a class that others may not…we all can. Every single individual brings something unique and special to the universe we just have to be open…we have to approach it with a “beginner’s mind.”

Opening doors

Someone once said to me, "When god closes on door he opens another." at the time I hated that expression. It was meant to give me comfort at a very hard time, but I did not want to be comforted, I did not want a lesson about god, and I certainly did not want that door to be closed. What I wanted was for the change that was happening to not be taking place. I still visit that memory from time to time. So much has changed since then and I came to really appreciate the intention in the expression. In the book I am currently reading, "Writing Yoga", by Bruce Black he discussed asana practice as opening doors to your body; your body is a room and each pose opens a door to that room and let's you see another side of the room, another side of yourself. This took me back to the expression from my past. Bruce's analogy just gave a whole new meaning to the expression. One that fits better to the person I have become today. Bruce doesn't mention closing any doors just opening new ones as a revealing of sort, as least that I what I am taking from it. I like this idea. I like the idea of not closing those doors of our past because that gives the feeling of some sort of finality to it. Those things aren't final; those things shape who we are, we constantly have those things with us-in out hearts, in our memories-however we chose to carry it. It's good to remember where we came from.  Yoga is all about opening up. Opening your heart, your mind, and your body. Nothing about yoga is closing, so I chose to keep my heart, mind, body, and doors open. I want to be open to new possibilities, to change, to love, to compassion, and to every detail of those things that remain behind the doors of my past. Today's practice intention it to opening the doors that were closed. Namaste

"but I'm not flexible"

Often when someone tells me that they are interested on yoga the next thing that follows it is that inevitable, "but I am not very flexible." Almost every person that I have spoken with that has never done yoga says that. I can understand why though. Western yoga gives off that air. I really wish I could put into words just how much more there is to yoga than "stretching" and "flexibility", but if that is what takes you to yoga then please understand this-yoga can make you flexible. Like working out helps you to lose weight. You have to start and keep practicing and it will happen. Also like working out you will come to find that yoga provides so many more benefits that you weren't even looking for. Yoga isn't a "religion", it doesn't even have to be spiritual if you don't want it to be. Yoga is what you make it. What one asana may mean to me may mean something else to you. The point I am trying to make here goes back to non-judgment- don't judge yoga, don't put preconceived notions in before you try it- and try it more than once. It is not very often in life where you can get to the true nature of something by a one time encounter.  If you read my blog then you read my post about crow pose. This I still struggle with, BUT I keep going back. In yoga Monday night the instructor gave a lengthy instruction on the pose and how you can use a prop. (Thanks Jay!!) I just got done working on it. I did it for no more than a minute. I was immediately frustrated from the start. You cannot get anywhere with that. So, I did not judge and I moved on. My vow is to spend a few minutes everyday just meditating in the pose with the block building, up to the full pose itself. This is my point my friends; I have done yoga for about 3 years now and I still struggle, but I don't judge I just try. Sometimes that is all that we can do...just try and don't judge when our mind gives it's biased opinion of where it thinks we should be. We are were we need to be with everything we need to have. Maybe tomorrow I will be in crow pose...but maybe not. And I am ok with that. This is what my yoga has taught me. 

Vipassana

I empathize, sympathize, or whatever-a-thize with people by relating using my past experiences, especially in troubling times. I have recently realized that this may make me seem like a know-it-all, but all I want is to help. I try to show people what worked for me or what I was told worked for someone else in hopes that it may work for them. I do believe that humans have an innate sense of community and often use that to get through hard times. Sometimes it really just helps to know that you’re not the only one and you’re not alone. Just look at how many things are “group” centered.  BUT, in the same sense, to really get through the hard stuff you have to get inside yourself.

Vipassana is a form of meditation that is an insight into the true nature of reality. It is a quiet practice that allows you to explore your own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness. I won’t go into great detail of this, but if you are interested here is a good link:

http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1465

I have read about it in both Buddhist teaching and yoga teaching. It particularly hits home to me since this is very much what I am working on and it presented itself to me in my current reading. I love when that happens, you know you have stuff on your mind, your working through it, and the very tools that you need present themselves. Do you know why that happens? It is because everything that you already need you have; you just have to open your eyes to it or just be open to change, hard work, determination, and self revelation and/or transformation.

As an adolescent I struggled with anger and depression and still, from time to time, I forget how to fight that fight…or maybe I give up, get tired, who knows, but it is always a fight…a conscious fight. When I stop being mindful is when I lose sight of the truth or reality. Like I said in my last post, I lose the habit of letting the bad stuff go and I get in the habit of dwelling on the bad. For those of us who have depression it is very hard to see, face, or admit what we are in the middle of, who knows why, but it is what it is. This blog was started in my attempt to get through one of those times in an inward journey using my yoga teachings. I am making myself “explore my own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness.”…Vipassana. I am doing it in a public forum by some off chance that someone else may read this, relate to it, use it, and find some help in it…you know…it’s that innate sense of community I was talking about and my immense amount of love that I have.

Sometimes I think my sadness inside comes out because of that love that I talk about. In my inward journey I have realized that this often happens when people that I care about are hurting or going through something that I cannot help with. It is honestly really hard to give out ALL the love and compassion that I feel for them, especially those that are far away, but the ones that are close too. It’s a funny thing that all that love can build up and come out as anger too. It isn’t as bad as when I was a kid, but it does get very frustrating to have all this inside and to feel like there is nothing to do with it and sometimes not even know what “it” really is. So, I am not dwelling on it, I recognize it, and let to pass like the clouds in the sky. (Or write it in this blog) I try not to judge myself for it and love myself for who I am.

"Keep coming back, it works if you work it"

So, I started a yoga blog 4 days ago as a way to deepen my practice. I got the idea from doing my usual daily yoga research because…well honestly…I am obsessed. What’s funny is…I have not done any asanas, you know the physical yoga practice that everyone thinks of. I have been reading about yoga, trying to live yoga off the mat, but no mat practice. Of course I now have guilt running through my veins. This morning I was reading someone else’s yoga blog and read that she too has been off the mat for a few days. I still feel bad though, but no worries I have yoga with Jay tonight…my favorite. J The thought about not doing yoga for days takes me back to the idea of non-judgment and diets. I have also been bad on my “diet” for days. I use the word diet as in the food that I eat, not that I am “dieting”. I eat healthy, no fad diets. I feel my body paying for my mistakes, but instead of judging myself and feeling all bad I am going to recognize the mistakes, move on from them, and not repeat them. So I ate badly, but I won’t continue to eat badly, I will not gluttonize myself-not that I really ever have, but just see it for what it is, say hello, and move on about my business. It’s like the thoughts that arise when meditating; see the thought, but don’t focus on it, and, as Jay has taught, let pass by like clouds in the sky. This is my belief on a little key to happiness; recognize the bad, whatever it is- a bad day, an argument, bad food, mean person, anything that troubles you-and move on from it, don’t dwell on. I know, I know easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. The more you do this the easier it is. BUT in the same sense, the more you don’t practice it, the easier it is to dwell on the bad stuff and stay in the bad place. So essentially, you gotta fake it in order to make it. This is an expression that used to irritate me because I do not believe in faking anything, but it’s true to a point, at least for this point.

It is not unusual for me to be reading several books at once. I have books that I read for pleasure-currently that is the Shades of Grey books, but they are on hold for my “research/pleasure” books- these are listed here on my blog. This is because I also have a habit of always doing many things at one time. Each book serves a purpose, a very different purpose. What book I want to read depends on what I want to focus on at the time. At this moment it is “Happy Yoga” by Steve Ross. He says, “For others, the study and dedicated practice of yoga starts a chain reaction that often leads to the relinquishment of a heavy load of self-imposed miseries.” If I could pass on one thing that I have received from my yoga practice it would be this nail on the head-hitting statement. I cannot say enough that yoga is not just being physically flexible; it is a way of life, yoga is transforming. I have had more mental stretching or toning than the physical changes that I was originally aiming for. It took a lot at first; the plethora of things that I went through in the beginning made me want to give up (I still feel this way sometimes-especially looking in the mirror while practicing), but I can be quite stubborn (ask my mom) and I didn’t give up. It’s just like life; you cannot give up just because it is hard-life isn’t easy and you won’t get results. Just like the AA slogan, “Keep coming back, it works it you work it”…or however that goes. Such is life…and yoga!