Personal Reflection: Yoga Teacher Training Assignment 1

            About four years ago I decided I wanted to change myself; physically. So, I joined a gym; American Family Fitness. I would take classes and use machines, but nothing really resonated with me. I decided to try the latest fad, yoga. At first I hated it. I was not “good” at it, it made me sweat while doing what I thought was little effort, and I just didn't get all the hype. However, for some reason I kept going back. I tried several different instructors until one day one really made me love the class…”J”. His personality resonated with mine thus my ideas and views of yoga changed. I became really interested in yoga and this interest has continued to grow since. As it has grown yoga has become a way of life for me. It is no longer something physical I do at the gym. It is how I think, how I act, how I respond, it is in everything that I do, it is how I live my life. Yoga has changed me. It has helped me to see life differently and appreciate life more. It has helped me to heal myself, others, and my relationships with others. Yoga has helped me discover who I am, what my purpose is, and whether my life is aligned with this purpose and who I am.

            Who am I? I am someone who has so much love inside that I sometimes don’t know how to deal with it. I am someone that has so much passion that I don’t know how to effectively act with it. I am someone who hurts easily. I hurt for myself, for others, for all. Sometimes I just hurt. I am someone who has changed a lot, but has always hurt and loved just the same. I am someone who appreciates the immense anger that I used to have; that I now know it comes from all this bottled up love. I am someone who loves the bad in my past, sometimes more than the good. I am someone who is learning every moment and learning to live in that moment, every moment. I am someone who wants so desperately to give all of this love to everyone. I am someone who loves everyone, even those I don’t know. I am someone who cries over all of this and everything.

            What is my purpose? To Love! It is what I feel within the deepest and shallowest parts of my being. It is what my heart is for. I wrote somewhere once before that if I could be unzipped from head to toe that the only thing that would come out is love because it is all that I am.

            Am I currently living a life aligned with my purpose? Not every day, not every moment, but I try. I fall away, I slip up, I get lazy, and I make mistakes. I often do not think or act out of love. I often do not speak out of love. I often do not teach out of love. But I am working on it.

            I am taking my yoga teacher training to learn more about yoga. I want to be able to take yoga to others and give them what has been given to me. My goal is to take yoga off of my mat and into the lives of others.

            I wasn't drawn to yoga on a spiritual quest. I thought I had that taken care of. I came to it for physical reasons. The spiritual part came to me and found me. It told me that through the control of my thoughts of life I could be a happier person. 

Beginner's Mind

Yesterday I had plans to attend a yoga class with my favorite instructor. I was looking forward to it, but I was also spending time with something else that I also loved. I felt torn between the two and wanted a way to have some time with both. It was pointed out to me that I "needed" to go to my yoga class. This I knew, but something about being told this from someone else, and given the current circumstances, I was left feeling hurt, embarrassed, and rejected. I pouted and left feeling sorry for myself. It's funny how we do this. Clearly the intent was good, but since I didn't like it-for some reason I still don't know-I selfishly acted like a soiled brat. I actually went and laid in bed pouting like a child. This is not what yoga teaches me and I came to see that. I was like, "you know what? I am not going to let this mood and this situation stop me from going to my yoga class!" So, I pulled my egotistical, pouty, spoiled self out of bed and to yoga. I was actively trying to get out of that frame of mind and into something better. This is a hard task, but anyone can do it so long as you are really honest with yourself, recognize what you are doing, and apply yourself. So, I got to yoga to find that my favorite instructor had a substitute for the day. "Dammit!" was my ego's first reaction, but again this is not how I want to think or be, so I actively again tried to get out of that frame of mind. Much to my dismay, I thoroughly enjoyed the class and the instructor. With opening my mind I got something out of her class that I may not have gotten from J's class or any other class for that matter. And that is my point my friends, we should always go through life with an open mind to all things; new and old. I was recently reminded of a Zen Buddhism concept of a "beginner's mind".  It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions. Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki writes in his book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few." I automatically had a preconceived idea that I would not like the class because J wasn’t the one leading it. I have been in this place before with other instructors. This is a quality of mine that I do not like and have been working on it for some time. I have actually improved, but it is was so bad that at times you cannot see the improvement.  I know that I would not want others to have a preconceived notion of me if they come to a class and see me instructing instead who they originally thought would be. This is because I know that I can bring something to a class that others may not…we all can. Every single individual brings something unique and special to the universe we just have to be open…we have to approach it with a “beginner’s mind.”

Vipassana

I empathize, sympathize, or whatever-a-thize with people by relating using my past experiences, especially in troubling times. I have recently realized that this may make me seem like a know-it-all, but all I want is to help. I try to show people what worked for me or what I was told worked for someone else in hopes that it may work for them. I do believe that humans have an innate sense of community and often use that to get through hard times. Sometimes it really just helps to know that you’re not the only one and you’re not alone. Just look at how many things are “group” centered.  BUT, in the same sense, to really get through the hard stuff you have to get inside yourself.

Vipassana is a form of meditation that is an insight into the true nature of reality. It is a quiet practice that allows you to explore your own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness. I won’t go into great detail of this, but if you are interested here is a good link:

http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1465

I have read about it in both Buddhist teaching and yoga teaching. It particularly hits home to me since this is very much what I am working on and it presented itself to me in my current reading. I love when that happens, you know you have stuff on your mind, your working through it, and the very tools that you need present themselves. Do you know why that happens? It is because everything that you already need you have; you just have to open your eyes to it or just be open to change, hard work, determination, and self revelation and/or transformation.

As an adolescent I struggled with anger and depression and still, from time to time, I forget how to fight that fight…or maybe I give up, get tired, who knows, but it is always a fight…a conscious fight. When I stop being mindful is when I lose sight of the truth or reality. Like I said in my last post, I lose the habit of letting the bad stuff go and I get in the habit of dwelling on the bad. For those of us who have depression it is very hard to see, face, or admit what we are in the middle of, who knows why, but it is what it is. This blog was started in my attempt to get through one of those times in an inward journey using my yoga teachings. I am making myself “explore my own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness.”…Vipassana. I am doing it in a public forum by some off chance that someone else may read this, relate to it, use it, and find some help in it…you know…it’s that innate sense of community I was talking about and my immense amount of love that I have.

Sometimes I think my sadness inside comes out because of that love that I talk about. In my inward journey I have realized that this often happens when people that I care about are hurting or going through something that I cannot help with. It is honestly really hard to give out ALL the love and compassion that I feel for them, especially those that are far away, but the ones that are close too. It’s a funny thing that all that love can build up and come out as anger too. It isn’t as bad as when I was a kid, but it does get very frustrating to have all this inside and to feel like there is nothing to do with it and sometimes not even know what “it” really is. So, I am not dwelling on it, I recognize it, and let to pass like the clouds in the sky. (Or write it in this blog) I try not to judge myself for it and love myself for who I am.

The concentrated, determined crow

Just the other day, on the apartment floor, an impromptu yoga practice took place. This was not like my normal home practice where I decide in the morning or the evening that I will do some sun salutations or follow a video of some sort. It was a playful practice that I shared with one of the most special people in my life. I can't even remember at this point how we ended up playing around with poses on the floor, but there we were. I was explaining how crow pose (which is an arm balance) it particularly hard for me, but one of my favorites- I actually have too many favorites to even include the word “one” in a phase with the word “favorite” :) In any case, I squatted down and began to ease into the pose, sort of explaining as I went. As I began to look up, I looked over and there he was beautifully anchored in crow pose. This really made my heart smile. He has an interest in yoga, but no practice as of yet, but there he was in all his glory, in crow pose, oh beautiful crow pose. It was that moment that I learned what it really felt like to share a practice. Until that moment my only yoga companions where people I happen to place my mat next to in a class at American Family. I have never really shared a practice with a non-stranger. Although there was no vinyasa style flow (this where poses will flow from one to another in conjunction with the breath.) to this practice, it was more just hey check out this one, this one is hard for me, this one is good for your back, or this one is a favorite- it was still yoga and I loved it. For the first time I was a teacher and a student; showing a pose, but also getting insight on what I could do better. I tried a few more times, falling over as usual, but there was no judgment it was all just yoga and companionship. I tried to explain side crow-I cannot even begin to show it- and again, up he went. I loved to see how his body allowed him to do what I could not; knowing that my body would allow me to do what he could not. Vast differences, but still no judgment- it was beautiful. I don't know how else to explain it. I am a sucker for "differences" coming together for a common purpose. That is a yoga moment I will never forget.

I bought a new yoga book last night. I opened it first thing this morning right to crow pose to continue my insight into my flight with the crow. The book says under the mental benefits that, "When you are practicing this pose, you have to evaluate how much of your body weight you can place on your arms and hands." Immediately the word "weight" catches me, it is such a sensitive word for me. I don't like my weight, so without judgment I chuckle at myself and move on. It goes on to say, "If you place too little weight on them, you will not be able to lift your feet off the floor. After a period of testing and hesitation, one concentrated, determined movement will lift you into the pose." Wow-I know we are talking about crow pose here, but doesn't this reflect life? If you put to much or too little "weight" on one thing you get stuck, but with concentration and determination off you go. This is a lesson to me; this is why crow is hard for me. I need to lift that weight off the stuff that I am stuck on, concentrating with determination to get my feet off the floor. Yoga isn't just about physical flexibility; much of it is getting the mind flexible.

 Crow Pose

Getting to the core of the problem

In an effort to deepen my yoga practice and take a good, deep look within myself I have decided to journal and blog about my yoga practice. So, day one and I have not practiced any asanas (physical poses) as of yet. It is a common misconception that yoga is just "stretching". Sure that is part of it; however, there is so much more that is combined with the asanas (or stretches for those who think this way) that makes up yoga. Of course, for each "yogi" the practice is different. Many of us start out with different reasons for stepping on the mat. Maybe you start with yoga, as I did, as just a form of exercise. Some may stay with that practice or it can evolve into more of a self practice, an inward journey, as it has for me. There are so many different types of yoga and many ways to teach it. I have taken many classes, some I liked, some I really did not like, but some were simply what I made them. I have found what works for me and I love what my practice has brought to my life, so I want to share what I have learned with those that I love and care about. One thing that we are taught in yoga is non-judgment. This is something I struggle with...not my judgment of others per say, but my judgment of myself...on and off the mat. Which brings me to my other point-for me yoga has evolved into a way of life, not just some stretching that I do on a mat. It has taught me to carry what I learn on the mat into my life...like non-judgment both of myself and others. It has taught me to honor that which is beautiful in everyone. I admit that I judge...come on we all do, but I have also always had an insane amount of love for EVERY being, it pours out of me-mostly in the form of tears. Me and my “love” is actually something my family and I laugh about; bugs as pets, dead kittens in my pocket, I am sure there are others. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with this. I acted out a lot when I was younger. I believe it was mostly because I had all this stuff inside that I didn't know what to do with it. It would make me mentally and physically ill. As I grew up I learned how to deal with the "symptoms" of all of this, but yoga has really taught me how to get to the core of what is ME on the inside and embrace all of what I find without judgment. About 6 months ago I really began looking into becoming a yoga instructor. It has yet to come to fruition and the last two weeks has made me thankful for that. I am not ready. I need to deepen my own practice, learn more about what yoga really is to me in order to really be a benefit, at least the benefit that I hope to be, to my future students. Yoga is THAT important to me. Just like me becoming an elementary school teacher, I have to first learn how to be a good student in order to be a good teacher. In the right time it will happen and I know that time has not yet arrived, so until then I will make the most of being a yoga student. The timing for that couldn't be better...I need my yoga right now like my body needs water. I am making an inward journey to get to the core of me and my mat will take me there. Please step on my mat with me or unroll your own and lets dig in to the deep depths of who we are and bring that yoga off the mat and into the world.