Thursday, June 14, 2012

Cultivating better relationships: Getting free from negativity with other people

In my life I have chosen yoga to be the way of life I want to live…the path I want to follow. I like what yoga intends to teach us. I like that there is no religious agenda. In short it is how to simply be human; to yourself, to others, and to the universe. It is accepting things as they are with no judgment or preconceived notions. When I stumble on something I try to think about how my yoga can help me to work through it in the kindest way. In the last month or so I have started this inward journey through yoga to get to my truth. What I have seen has really gotten to me. The reality of things that I have come to see is really hard…I see how very selfish people are, how much we all really judge others, how lazy so many people are, and just how oblivious people really are to life and what is going on in their own life. My inward journey was started in order to heal, but my mood is far from healed. I feel worse. I feel very sad. BUT I know that this will change. With hard work I will work through this. It is hard to get to a point where you have found something so special and want to share it with others, but just to find that they aren’t willing to find it themselves. I have found life and have realized that there are a lot of things that we humans put emphasis on things in life that really mean nothing. It is not material things, money, drugs, alcohol-in any quantity that brings quality of life. It is what we make of what we have within ourselves and others that brings quality. If you want a better relationship with someone, then change yourself; show them what it is that you want. If they don’t change, then maybe they are fighting within themselves. Know that you can’t change them, but you can work on yourself and how you handle it. It is called support, love, caring, compassion, etc. Sometimes you have to separate yourself if it is bad enough. That’s life. I personally have become very emotionally affected by negative people recently. I see in my own life and watching others how bad negativity hurts us and I want it out of my life. So, I am studying and turning inward to find how I can be less negative-it’s the only way I know how. I have found a website (http://swamij.com/index-yoga-meditation-yoga-sutras.htm ) explaining the yoga sutras. I enjoy the insight. I want to cultivate better relationships. This is what it says about getting free from negativity with other people: “In sutra 2.33-2.34, the question is posed as to what to do when one does not act or think in accordance with yogic values such as non-violence, but rather, has negative emotions. What is one to do with such strong negative thought patterns? The suggestion is made in those sutras, that we cultivate an opposite attitude by reminding ourselves (through internal dialogue) that holding onto this negative attitude is going to do nothing but bring unending pain and misery.” It says that we may have the follow feelings towards people we feel as being bad: “Anger/aversion: Most of us have some limits of what we find as acceptable behavior. We might sincerely hold the belief that all people are pure at their deepest level. Yet, are there not some individuals you think to be dishonest, cruel, mean, or even wicked, or evil? Are there not some behaviors that you consider so outside of acceptable conduct that it strongly causes you to feel anger and frustration? Even if you really feel strongly about some other person in this way, is it not also true that you, yourself, carry the burden of this? How to be free from that is the question.” That being said it tells us it is better to cultivate: “Neutrality/acceptance: To counterbalance the negative feelings toward someone you feel is bad, wicked, or lacking in virtue, the antidote is to cultivate an attitude of neutrality, indifference, acceptance, or equanimity. It can be difficult to cultivate this attitude, since it might make us think we are approving of their bad behavior. We seek the neutrality of inner balance and equanimity, which does not mean approving of the person's actions. In fact, cultivating attitudes of neutrality might go a long way in being able to cause change. It surely helps to stabilize and clear the mind for meditation.”  This could not be more dead on for me. While writing this I came back to the thought of a “Beginner’s Mind” from my last post. That, too, could help cultivate neutrality-when dealing with these negative people and behaviors’ get rid of what you think you know about how they are or will be, you know those preconceptions, and be open to the goodness that they can be. Treat the interaction as if it is the first time you are meeting them; be kind, compassionate, and accept what happens without expecting what you think may happen. Maybe with a “Beginner’s Mind” I can see something I didn’t see before.  

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Beginner's Mind

Yesterday I had plans to attend a yoga class with my favorite instructor. I was looking forward to it, but I was also spending time with something else that I also loved. I felt torn between the two and wanted a way to have some time with both. It was pointed out to me that I "needed" to go to my yoga class. This I knew, but something about being told this from someone else, and given the current circumstances, I was left feeling hurt, embarrassed, and rejected. I pouted and left feeling sorry for myself. It's funny how we do this. Clearly the intent was good, but since I didn't like it-for some reason I still don't know-I selfishly acted like a soiled brat. I actually went and laid in bed pouting like a child. This is not what yoga teaches me and I came to see that. I was like, "you know what? I am not going to let this mood and this situation stop me from going to my yoga class!" So, I pulled my egotistical, pouty, spoiled self out of bed and to yoga. I was actively trying to get out of that frame of mind and into something better. This is a hard task, but anyone can do it so long as you are really honest with yourself, recognize what you are doing, and apply yourself. So, I got to yoga to find that my favorite instructor had a substitute for the day. "Dammit!" was my ego's first reaction, but again this is not how I want to think or be, so I actively again tried to get out of that frame of mind. Much to my dismay, I thoroughly enjoyed the class and the instructor. With opening my mind I got something out of her class that I may not have gotten from J's class or any other class for that matter. And that is my point my friends, we should always go through life with an open mind to all things; new and old. I was recently reminded of a Zen Buddhism concept of a "beginner's mind".  It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions. Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki writes in his book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few." I automatically had a preconceived idea that I would not like the class because J wasn’t the one leading it. I have been in this place before with other instructors. This is a quality of mine that I do not like and have been working on it for some time. I have actually improved, but it is was so bad that at times you cannot see the improvement.  I know that I would not want others to have a preconceived notion of me if they come to a class and see me instructing instead who they originally thought would be. This is because I know that I can bring something to a class that others may not…we all can. Every single individual brings something unique and special to the universe we just have to be open…we have to approach it with a “beginner’s mind.”